


Not Enough.

by Annegsp0983



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dumpster Showdown Spoilers, Manga Spoilers, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:02:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22706635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annegsp0983/pseuds/Annegsp0983
Summary: After their loss to Karasuno at Nationals, Kuroo deals with his feelings.AKA I have had an ultra shitty few days, was feeling pretty crappy, saw a post on tumblr about this subject and HERE WE ARE.
Kudos: 10





	Not Enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Guys, this isn't a by the book panic attack, but sometimes you get down the rabbit hole, and you're not quite sure HOW you got there in the first place.  
> At least that's how it happens for me sometimes.  
> I had to give Kuroo SOME good though. I can't continually break characters without some light at the end of the tunnel.

Just like that, the third and final set of Kuroo Tetsurou's highschool volleyball career was over. The long awaited 'Dumpster Showdown' reached its climax and Karasuno emerged victorious. While Kuroo expected to feel down or maybe a bit disappointed about things, he had not expected to feel the wind knocked out of his sails quite so fully.

Maybe it was what Kai said afterward that tipped the scales maintaining his poker face of a cheeky smirk toward letting his inner devastation show.

Had it been Bokuto's embrace?

Or the soft and knowing squeeze Karasuno's captain, Sawamura, had given his shoulder after remarking that he was going to take a nap.

Regardless of which had done it, the facade of Kuroo handling the loss with grace and maturity quickly crumbled once he sequestered himself behind the closed doors of the closest bathroom.

He was accustomed to having a locker room or some sort of private area where the team could change and chill before games. Here at Nationals, there were no such areas aside from bathroom stalls.

He shut the stall, securing the latch with a quiet click, waiting, holding his breath to ensure he was alone before releasing a shaky breath.

“How embarrassing.” Kuroo murmured, vision blurring with remorse.

Of all the plays, he could not recall any that he would have done differently...some things that happened were just dumb luck.

That was it.

Knowing that he had played and given every shred of himself on the court alongside his team and they had still lost was what set the tidal wave of desolate sorrow free.

Kuroo sucked in a noisy breath, clenching his fists until his nails bit into his palms. Frustration prickled behind his eyes and he scrubbed his sleeve across his cheeks. He never realized how bad it would hurt to not be good enough. To get this far with such a talented team, only to run into a team that had talent in spades. In the past, Kuroo had suffered his fair share of losses, but they were to far better teams, or his team had not been doing well.

This was the first time he had ever suffered such a bitter defeat.

The fact that he knew and was fond of the very team that defeated him made his despair burn even brighter. He choked out a sob, unable to keep himself silent or upright any longer. Kuroo slid his back down the stall door, curling his knees to his chest, releasing his anguish.

It was like he was five years old, listening to his parents battle it out in the next room all over again.

Only this time, it really was his fault.

He was the Captain. He was the glue holding the hodge-podge of teammates together. If Kenma was the brain, HE was the heart. No one on the team had wanted to win more, to battle it out with Karasuno for Coach Nekomata more, or to try their damnest to win Nationals more. Yaku was not far behind Kuroo in any of those regards, but Kuroo was the one scheduling extra practices when it came down to it. His desire to win had fueled the rest of the team's passion and they had busted ass to get this far.

But it had not been enough.

Kuroo had not been enough.

If only he had been able to jump a bit higher, move a tick faster. Maybe more of his blocks would have been successful...his serves been no-touch aces.

He bit back a sob, sinking his teeth into his lower lip as the door opened. He held his breath, shuddering out a whimper when the person flushed the urinal and left.

He had let everyone down.

Kuroo's anguish intensified as his self-depreciating thoughts fanned the flames. How would he be able to face anyone for the rest of the day? Week? The rest of the school year?

Would any of the university teams that had reached out with scouting calls even call back after today? After they saw what a weak link he truly was? How could he go to a try-out knowing a first year had out blocked him today?

Another person came in, washed their hands and left.

Kuroo pulled the collar of his shirt up to wipe his face. He swallowed down another sob. What if this was his last volleyball game ever? Deep down, he knew that wasn't true, but common sense was being swiftly overruled by terror. What in the hell was he going to do with his life if he couldn't play volleyball anymore?

The door opened again and Kuroo muffled a cry into the sleeve of his jacket. A foot nudged his backside under the door. When he didn't respond, the foot nudged harder. Kuroo snapped to his feet ripping the stall door open, ready to curse at whomever the hell decided to pester him. A person he certainly did not expect to see was standing before him, a bit confused, but mostly concerned.

“Kuroo?” Sawamura Daichi's head tilted to the side, brows furrowing on his forehead.

Kuroo slammed the stall door in the other third-year's face.

“Go away.” Kuroo barked, voice catching on the syllables.

“Are you sure?” Sawamura asked, not a hint of condemnation in his voice. Kuroo crushed his eyelids shut, grimacing to keep the latest wave of emotions from overtaking him. On top of his sadness and frustration now the humiliation came. Of all people to see him upset over the loss, Sawamura was possibly the last person.

Maybe Daishou or Tsukishima would be worse.

But Sawamura was in the definite top five people Kuroo never wanted to see him in tears. Another sob choked its way out and Sawamura tapped on the stall door.

“Can I get you anything?” He asked, voice full of concern. Kuroo hissed out a quiet curse. It wasn't good manners to tell someone to go fuck themselves when they were trying to help, but that was all Kuroo wanted to do.

“No.” He spat, leaning his forehead on the door.

“Kuroo...” Sawamura huffed. “Look, I'm sorry.”

Something about that statement flared Kuroo's temper into a fury. He snatched the door open.

“You're sorry?” He growled, baring his teeth. “You're fucking sorry you beat us?” His hands fisted in the other teen's jacket, shoving him into the wall by the sink. “What the fuck kinda consolation is that?”

“It means I'm fucking sorry!” Sawamura snapped, pushing him back, hand on his chest. “Of all the teams I wanted to play, I wanted to play you guys the most...but...” He looked to the side, brows knitting together, “I knew that one of us would have to lose.”

“Well hello, Captain Obvious.” Kuroo snapped. “There are no ties in volleyball.”

“Of course I know that!” Sawamura barked, crossing his arms over his chest. “But I wish we could have kept playing, like during camp this summer.”

Kuroo stared at him, anger subsiding.

“Out of all the teams we've played and guys we've met, I liked Nekoma...you guys the best.” Sawamura confessed with a soft voice. Kuroo stared at his feet. He didn't have any words to express the gamut of emotions he felt. Sawamura walked over to the cleaning supply closet, fishing out the 'bathroom out of order' sign.

“I'll uh,” He shrugged, “I'll stick this outside so you can have some privacy.” He leaned out the door and Kuroo snatched his wrist, tugging him back in once Sawamura had put the sign up.

“Wait.” Kuroo chewed his lip, thinking how he must look like an absolute moron right now. “Thanks.” He rolled a shoulder, not ready to meet Sawamura's steady gaze with his own puffy red eyes.

“Don't worry about it.” The other teen huffed a laugh. “The day is young. I may be joining you later today.”

“Don't say that.” Kuroo grunted. “You're gonna keep going. You're gonna win it all.”

“Ahhh you're right.” He hummed.

“You should probably get back to your team and leave me in here to cry like a bitch for a while longer.” Kuroo chuckled, bumping his shoulder into Sawamura's. “I think I have another hour of self-loathing and condemnation left in me.”

“Shooting for the stars, eh?” Sawamura smirked at him.

“I'm a go big or go home kinda guy.” Kuroo grinned through tear-stained cheeks.

“I've noticed.” The other boy clapped a hand on his shoulder. “It was a helluva good run, Kuroo.”

“Yup.” Kuroo blamed his inner turmoil of frustration and self-condemnation when he tugged Sawamura closer, sliding his arms around the other teen's shoulders. “Thanks” He hissed, tucking his face into Sawamura's neck, who wrapped his arms around Kuroo's back.

“Don't worry about it.” He huffed, arms tightening as Kuroo shuddered out a sob.

“You should get back...” Kuroo squirmed free, pushing Sawamura towards the door.

“I'll find Yaku?” Sawamura offered.

“Nah,” Kuroo sniffed. “I'll be fine.” He cleared his throat, voice wavering. “Just gotta get this out.”

“Alright.” Sawamura paused in the doorway. “If I find you in here after our game is over, there will be hell to pay.”

“Aww c'mon Sa'amura...can't let a guy have any fun.” Kuroo pursed his lips, watching the door close. He exhaled a loud sigh, washing his face off in the sink. “You, Tetsurou, are a fucking moron.” He chided himself in the mirror. “You could have punched his shoulder. You could have given him the bro-fist. But Nooooo.” He groused, splashing more water on his face. “You had to HUG him. Hug him then cry on him.” He shut off the sink, tipping his head back. “Idiot.” Kuroo dried his face, fussed with his unruly hair, deciding that his blotchy complexion would have to do for the rest of the day.

He strolled out of the bathroom after replacing the sign in the storage cabinet. He pulled his phone out of his pocket.

(Kuroo): Oi where are you?

(Kenma): Waiting by the court entrance for you like I said I would.

(Kenma): did you fall in?

(Kuroo): Yup. See you in a minute.

(Kuroo): I need you to get me someone's phone number...

**Author's Note:**

> Therapy writing for me.  
> It's been a shitty few days, I was a COMPLETE asshole to a friend, and I am not in the mood to adult at ALL.  
> So angst.
> 
> Thanks for reading/comments/kudos!


End file.
